Sarah Polley Is A Pasty-Faced Cracker Bitch!

The fuckheads at the Toronto Star keep reading my blog.

I don't like their stupid communist paper because that other bitch Heather Mallick writes for them.

But this might just be the type of exposure I need to get my literary career off the ground.

I think Margaret Atwood just completed another great Canadian masterpiece. It's about a loom that get's handed down through generations of haberdashers in downtown Toronto. In it an old woman drives across Canada in a 1997 Lada Samara giving out cupcakes to strangers. And at the end children are heard chanting, "The loom, the loom."

Or she wrote something like that.

I have my own novel in progress. It's part semi-autobiographical. Also part fictional: It's about what it would be like if I grew up with Sarah Polley.

I call it: 'Sarah Polley is a Pasty-Faced Cracker Bitch!'

Here's what I have so far...

Chapter 1

When I was in kindergarten I was too stupid to know how sexy I was. I had red hair and would not have any freckles until grade two. But when I first saw Sarah Polley I knew that she wanted me.

Then by grade 1 she was disgusted by how ugly I was.

From grade 1 to grade 3 my best friends were two guys name Dave, an Ian, and a Rene. I made friends with the best looking blond guys in class to try to protect myself from the deranged psychopaths known as beautiful little white girls. One of my best friends was also a black girl named Nicole.

The reason Sarah Polley is a New Democrat today is because she tormented boys when she was little.

And by high school she'd be guaranteed an inflated grade as teachers of bird classes about the Holocaust wanted to fill the room with blond girls as they Hitler/Holocausted out LGBT.

Most of those idiots in high school who get up on stage and sing and dance are trying to subconsciously impress the Sarah Polley's who never liked them in kindergarten.

Fuck you you stupid pasty-faced cracker bitch Sarah Polley. But if you had had a brother I would have thought he was cute when I was in elementary school. Oh no wait: That sounds so gay. Don't tell the boys that I went to school with that have Charlie Sheen's complexion that I said that. 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...