Tom


When I was in high school one of my friends was Tom. Tom's the guy I went to high school with that lived closest to my house.

Tom was Asian.

I tried not to tell him that he was Asian or let on that I knew. Sometimes I wondered if we should have an intervention.

I was in high school when the movies Schindler's List and Malcolm X came out.

That's how old I am. To give you some idea: I'm younger than Ezra Levant and Leonardo DiCaprio but older than Justin Bieber.

All of Tom's friends were white. He hung around with the same group of guys all the time so I knew who they were.

I had more Asian friends than Tom!

Tom was on the cutting edge of coolness. For a while he wore a t-shirt with a big letter X on it. He moved on to gold chains and a CK shirt quickly though.

If I describe people that I went to high school with they sound pretty gay. There wasn't anybody openly gay at my school in the mid-1990s.

Tom liked being friends with small, skinny white guys who were the same size as him. Tom also never had a girlfriend.

When one of Tom friends started spending time with a girl he'd get together with his other friends and go on about how ugly she was.

The Waterloo School Board did something called streaming. There was advanced, general, and basic. Tom and his friends were in general so while I hung around with them through Tom here and there I didn't know them that well.

When I was in elementary/middle school I knew a guy named Jake.

I went to university in Waterloo for a year. On Saturdays or Sundays I'd go downtown with Tom to drink coffee or beer.

Tom would get excited and say: "Let's go see, Jake. Let's go see, Jake!"

Jake was an average-looking small guy with brown hair and blue eyes. Jake wouldn't even make eye-contact with Tom. He never said anything but he was terrified of me.

Jake was working at a coffee place at the Eaton's mall.

Tom dragged me out to see him five times.

I wasn't going to explain to Jake that I went to high school with a crazy flirt with 50 men around her and that she was going on and on about me to pressure me into talking to her again. I just couldn't explain the ramifications of Cultural Marxism. It's a lot like watching a Stanley Kubrick movie with the sound off.

Jake was a RIM computer engineer.

The reason I made Jake so uncomfortable is because he was scared I'd be all gay for him.

I think it had something to do with how teen aged boys know they have nothing to compensate for and teaching them how the Nazis murdered 9 million.

When they were crying they never mentioned that that war criminal Winston Churchill had red hair and exactly how many of those ginger Jews died of typhus because of allied saturation bombing of Germany.

When I was in 2nd year university OJ Simpson was big news. I'd have to yell, "Tom, Tom: Stop it!" He'd see a black guy in downtown Kitchener and say: "It's OJ! It's OJ!"

I feared the black guy would think it was me who said it.

In the 1990s there was a scam going on in Toronto. Tom was approached by an agent and paid hundreds or possible thousands of dollars trying to become a model.

I went back to Ottawa and never saw Tom again.

I think Jake spent a lot of time in Waterloo pondering how when you add Asians and East Indians to a school black football players come out of nowhere to beat me up because I had red hair.

The moral of the story is the reason that Asians aside from Tom do so well at school is because Jake and his friends aren't attracted or repulsed by them.

Fuck you, Warren Kinsella. Fuck you.

Oh no: Wait I didn't mean to say that. I take that back. For now.

I mean to say: Fuck you Justin Trudeau. And Brian Mulroney. And the Waterloo School Board. And also I'd like to shout out a big fuck you to Ben Mulroney for some reason.

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