Threatening Letters To Warren Kinsella - Part 8

In the last installment of my satirical screenplay Warren Kinsella was fired from Sun News.

(go back to part 1).


OLIVIA CHOW, dressed in a jogging suit, is talking to a security guard who sits behind a desk. She looks frustrated.

CHOW: I'm Olivia Chow. Olivia Chow. O-liv-i-a Chow. I'm the woman running for mayor of Toronto.

The security guard shakes his head, dumbfounded.

CHOW: I'm Mrs. Jack Layton.

SECURITY GUARD: (excited) Oh, Olivia Chow! Jack Layton: I loved him! What would you like Ms. Chow?

CHOW: Show me where Warren is.


A DIRECTOR is seated beside a CAMERA CREW. They are filming, 'The Republic of Doyle,' The set is of a sparse bachelor pad. ALLAN HAWCO and SEAN MCGINLEY are looking around the apartment.

HAWCO: I don't know where he hid those diamonds.

Suddenly WARREN KINSELLA enters the apartment holding a gun. As he speaks Hawco and McGinley spin around in surprise.

KINSELLA: (blandly) That's enough of your diamond hunting.

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! Try to be more threatening with that gun.

Now Hawco looks pissed. He rushes up to the director and rants in a hushed voice...

HAWCO: This is my show. It's supposed to be about me. I don't see why some big shot Hollywood actor like Bill Murray has to come all the way up here for a bit part in it.

DIRECTOR: He says he's not Bill Murray. He's...

The director looks at a piece of paper. Hawco points at Kinsella.

HAWCO: That's Bill Murray!

Now we see that OLIVIA CHOW has entered the studio and she's surveying the scene. She shakes her head in disgust at Kinsella and then turns and rushes off without saying anything.


Bunk beds. PETER MANSBRIDGE is sound asleep on the bottom bunk. He is dressed in his normal clothes. SHAUN  MAJUMDER is awake on the top bunk, still wearing orange. Mansbridge is talking softly in his sleep...

MANSBRIDGE: Yeah, I once interviewed Mulroney and Bush in the same day. What did you do you fucking turd? ...Hello, I'm Peter Mansbridge. ...I'll knock your teeth out you CNN prick...

Majumder can't sleep. He quickly pulls out a note pad and begins to write furiously...

MAJUMDER: (to himself) Dear Warren Kinsella. You know when you eat ice cream too fast and get that splitting headache? That's how I feel when I see your stupid face on TV. You're just so awful. I once listened to your band play and it gave me instant diarrhea...

(go on to the conclusion).

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