Threatening Letters To Warren Kinsella - Part 6

This screenplay is a work of satire similar to the CBC's, '22 Minutes,' 'Saturday Night Live,' or Olivia Chow's election campaign. (Back to part 1).


PETER MANSBRIDGE walks in and saunters up to the counter. The guy behind it is a 20-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE STUDENT who looks terrified of him.

MANSBRIDGE: Hi. I'm Peter Fucking Mansbridge. You know me from, 'The National.' Get me 8 Boston creams and a maple glaze.

As he waits for his order Mansbridge turns around. Now we see that SHAUN MAJUMDER is seated at a table drinking a coffee and looking depressed. He is still wearing his orange prison uniform. The shackles around his arms and legs are now broken.

As Manbridge gets his box of donuts he approaches Majumder. Feeling sorry for him he sits down.

MAJUMDER: I can't go back to prison. The warden was so mean to me there. He made me dress in this orange. And all they have is decaf. And instead of playing tennis they play racquetball. I was like, 'What is this: 1986?'

MANSBRIDGE: What's writing threatening letters to Bill Murray? An $80 fine and a day in jail?

MAJUMDER: It's not Bill Murray that I hate: It's Warren Kinsella.

MANSBRIDGE: (shaking his head) I don't know who that is.

MAJUMDER: He's the guy from Sun News.

MANSBRIDGE: I'm not familiar with it.

MAJUMDER: Really? Sun News?

MANSBRIDGE: All I watch on TV is, 'America's Funniest Videos,' and hardcore porn.


MANSBRIDGE: You have to go back. The CBC will never let a prison escapee work for them. They'll treat you like they treat David Suzuki on Monday mornings when he gets out of the drunk tank.

MAJUMDER: (considering) Hmmm.

MANSBRIDGE: What show is it you do on CBC again? Do you play one of those gay guys that's on in the afternoon? Or are you the gay guy who walks through the alley ranting about Stephen Harper?

MAJUMDER: I'm on, '22 Minutes.'

MANSBRIDGE: That's with the hockey coach in a neon blazer?

MAJUMDER: (excited) Say: Do you want to help me break back into prison? We could get in a game of racquetball.

MANSBRIDGE: (shrugs) Sure. Cyndy's going through this phase where she thinks, 'Street Legal,' is still a thing. I haven't been home in four days.

They both get up and leave.

Now we see that WARREN KINSELLA is seated at the next table in disguise. He is wearing a trench coat and sunglasses. He takes off the glasses and angrily says...

KINSELLA: I will destroy this one. He said my band sucks. He didn't have to put it that way.

(on to part 7).

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