Threatening Letters To Warren Kinsella - Part 4


Disclaimer: This is a work of satire similar to the CBC's 22 Minutes, Saturday Night Live, or Olivia Chow's election campaign. (Go back to part 1).

INT. SET OF THE NATIONAL

PETER MANSBRIDGE is talking to someone off camera.

MANSBRIDGE: Oh fuck: Last night instead of moaning, 'Cynthia' I was here Like, 'Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.' My place is a fucking war zone. Why don't you come over and bring some brewskies?

A light goes on and Mansbridge looks into the camera.

MANSBRIDGE: Tonight on the National: President Obama leaves Martha's Vineyard to go golfing but may be offering another stern warning to Putin. And later life will be much better in Canada when Justin Trudeau seizes power as rightful leader. All hail Trudeau! But first: 22 Minutes host Shaun Majumder has been taken into custody for writing threatening letters to Bill Murray. We have this live...

Mansbridge turns his head and a screen shows SHAUN MAJUMDER dressed in an orange prison jump suit. His arms and legs are shackled together.

MANSBRIDGE: Mr. Majumder: Are you with al-Qaeda?

MAJUMDER: Why do you people keep asking me that? I'm from Newfoundland.

MANSBRIDGE: Why threaten Bill Murray?

MAJUMDER: I don't even know who that is.

MANSBRIDGE: Actor. Comedian. He starred in: Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, What About Bob?

MAJUMDER: Okay. Growing up in the al-Qaeda operative training camp just outside of Chechnya I wasn't allowed to watch American movies.

MANSBRIDGE: So you are with al-Qaeda?

Majumder looks worried.

EXT. GOTHIC CASTLE - NIGHT

INT. STAIRCASE OF CASTLE

WARREN KINSELLA climbs the steps. He opens a door at the top and enters.

INT. ROOM SIMILAR TO A DUNGEON

RICHARD WARMAN is there dressed exactly like Count Dracula. He hisses as Kinsella enters, displaying fangs. Kinsella takes out a crucifix and Warman backs away.

KINSELLA: Back boy. Remember: It's illegal to suck people's blood in this day and age. You have to restore your life force through litigation.

Warman looks disappointed.

WARMAN: Have we let enough immigrants into the country to finally destroy the Nordic race?

KINSELLA: Soon. Soon.

WARMAN: Excellent.

(go onto part 5).




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