The Conclusion of, 'Threatening Letters to Warren Kinsella.'


Disclaimer: This screenplay is a work of satire similar to, 'Saturday Night Live,' or anything that's happened in Canadian parliament since 1970.

Today we have made Canadian film history. I have written what will be one of the greatest Canadian movies of all time. Once Kinsella and Mansbridge agree to play themselves in this epic tale, it will no doubt be picked up by a major studio. Watch for it to open at TIFF after the movie of the East Indian guy who has to find his roots after inheriting a curry shop and the film about a Pakistani hockey player.

In the last installment Warren Kinsella guest stars in an episode of, 'Republic of Doyle.'

(back to part 1).

And now our dramatic conclusion...

INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING

PETER MANSBRIDGE is now awake with his hands resting behind his head. SHAUN MAJUMDER is sitting up, looking depressed his legs dangle from the top bunk. We hear sappy music...

MANSBRIDGE: You can't let getting thrown into prison get you down. You have to go back to the CBC and do the best show that you can do.

MAJUMDER: You're right. I'm the funniest there is on, '22 Minutes.' Without me that show is nothing.

MANSBRIDGE: (confused) Do you play that fisherman that's on at 5 on Sunday morning? Is that what you do?

Majumder ignores the question. He jumps down from the top bunk and looks excited.

INT. CBC STUDIO (SET OF 22 MINUTES)

The AUDIENCE is cheering. MARK CRITCH, CATHY JONES, and WARREN KINSELLA sit behind the 22 Minutes news desk. Opening music.There is applause from the AUDIENCE. We see a GUY holding que cards beside the camera. The music ends.

KINSELLA: Hi. I'm Warren Kinsella. (squints to read what's on the card) Tonight on 22 Minutes: Why don't cars have hub caps anymore? It's because if they did all of the immigrants in... (pauses, confused) Toronto would steal them?

The audience roars with laughter.

KINSELLA: (to Cathy Jones) I'm not reading that: It's stupid and racist. It makes no sense.

There is an awkward silence. Both Jones and Critch smile at the camera nervously. Somebody off stage says...

VOICE: Go to commercial.

Jones angrily turns to Kinsella.

JONES: This is 22 Minutes. The most racist TV show in Canada. It's what people want to see. All of the white liberals who live in Toronto are secretly a bunch of racists. Come on, everyone knows that.

KINSELLA: This is outrageous.

Now we see the DIRECTOR realizing they're running out of time.

DIRECTOR: That Puerto Rican guy Shaun Majumder didn't show up for work today. Get the guy who looks like Bill Murray to do the skit, 'Minority Report.'

Kinsella stands looking enraged.

KINSELLA: Shaun Majumder? He works on this show?

INT. CBC STUDIO (SET OF MINORITY REPORT)

A STAGE HAND seats KINSELLA who is so angry he is in a daze. A voice offstage says...

VOICE: And we're on.

There is a pause. Kinsella still looks angry.

VOICE: And we're on?

Finally Kinsella looks up and starts reading from the que cards.

KINSELLA: Hello...I'm like some kind of guy from Pakistan who has a TV show...Thank-you, come again. Thank-you, come again.

The audience roars with laughter and applause.

MAJUMDER: (VOICE OVER) Kinsella!

Kinsella stands, clenching his fists.

KINSELLA: Majumder!

Now we see MAJUMDER walk toward the set, confused.

MAJUMDER: (confused) Kinsella...You're doing my thing.

INT. LARGE LIVING ROOM - EVENING

PETER MANSBRIDGE is sitting on a couch wearing only boxer shorts, downing a beer. He's watching what's going on at, '22 Minutes' on a big screen TV.

MANSBRIDGE: This sucks. I can't believe I work for this dip shit station.

He picks up the remote and turns on hardcore porn.

INT. CBC STUDIO (SET OF MINORITY REPORT)

KINSELLA and MAJUMDER rush each other.

KINSELLA: Nobody says that about my band. Nobody!

Now they have their hands around each other's necks.

And like in some artsy French film that keeps the audience guessing the last scene we see is this...

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