Learn More About Canada!

Attention readers: As many of you are not from Canada here is a helpful introduction...

Canada is the second largest country in the world but only has a population of 3 million. So few people in a land so big dwarfed in the number of inhabitants by the U.S. to the south and those snooty Greenlanders to the east, has led to the outside world having a few misconceptions about the Great White North.

First off...

Toronto is not the capital of Canada!

This common belief stems from the fact that Toronto is our only city that has skyscrapers. Mississauga is the seat of power of the Canadian legislature. Also some people may refer to Toronto as being the capital because of its close proximity to Mississauga which, confusingly, is almost a suburb of T.O. but not quite.

Canada's Parliament
Sadly, in 1988, the Canadian parliament building was burned down by terrorists from the Front for the Liberation of Saskatchewan. Modern architecture is often somewhat lacking and many complain that the new building resembles a Rubick's cube.

Who's the leader of Canada?

The President of Canada is George 'Buddy' Shatner, brother to the better known actor William Shatner. Rumour is that President Buddy had wanted to be an actor when he was young but Bill was way better at Shakespeare than he was. Since Bill got the lead part in Star Trek so many years ago, the two siblings haven't spoken to each other ever since.

When William Shatner returns to Canada every year for the polar bear hunt, like clockwork President Buddy will board the presidential tug boat and sail up the St. Lawrence and go to Newfoundland because he doesn't want to run into his more famous brother.

President 'Buddy' Shatner
Canada's mighty air force

Few people know that Canada has one of the world's largest air forces. While outsiders may argue that our planes are antiquated and could not intercept a modern jet fighter, most have been fitted with modern avionics and sidewinder missiles.

Enemies will think twice before attacking when they realize that the Royal Canadian Air Force has over 800 DHC-2 Beaver float planes converted for military use.

Animal rights? Who cares?

A lot of people in the outside world know about the seal hunt, when Canadians head north to club baby seals to death. For some reason the foreign press never talks about the polar bear hunt. Every August hungry polar bears approach cities in search of food. Shooting them is the only humane thing to do as even most Canadian environmentalists agree that if they weren't killed they'd become a nuisance in our towns. After all: Nobody wants to get up in the morning, leave their house, and share the sidewalk with a polar bear! The hunt takes place every August just outside of Toronto.

Animal rights? Wait! There's more!

Everybody knows that hockey is the most popular sport in Canada. But there's another sport that's almost just as popular that you probably haven't heard about: It's the Annual Penguin March from Winnipeg to Edmonton. Last year the televised event drew in a larger audience than the Olympics and, aside from the coaches, the competitors aren't even human!

When the Penguins start their trek in Winnipeg expectations run pretty high. Almost every Canadian has their favourite. Last year I cheered for Snu Snu. Only one victorious penguin makes it to the Edmonton finishing line. By then the stragglers have all been shot in the back of their heads by disappointed coaches. I wouldn't feel too sorry for them because the prize that the winner gets is that he's broiled and served to the Queen and her royal entourage during their annual visit to Canada. So it is a bit of a catch-22 from the penguins point of view. The famous Canadian delicacy is called, 'Sanguin de Penguin Mentir.'

I hope this blog post has cleared up any misconceptions that you may have had about Canada.
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