Canada To Become Giant Nudist Resort By 2012

In his bid to protect his constitutional right to go to the Tim Hortons drive-thru in the buff, Brian Coldin is taking on this nation's repressive nudity laws. He has been charged with five counts of forgetting to wear pants in public in 2008 and 2009. The owner of a naturist getaway in Bracebridge, he'd like to see this country take a relaxed attitude toward nakedness.

Brian, Brian, Brian: There's a reason our ancestors left Europe to set up shop over here. Do you have any idea what goes on on a beach over there? This country was founded by puritanical farmers who never as so much exposed themselves to a rubber duck. If you want to get your double double while having no place to put the change, why don't you move back to Russia?

And besides: People wear clothes for a reason. This country is full of big scary bears, Brian. When you're out for a stroll in your neighbourhood park and you encounter a rabid grizzly, you want to have on your best survival gear. And also the mosquitoes! The mosquitoes in most of Canada are the size of swallows. What you want is to spray yourself with 3 litres of Deet and then wear five wind breakers. So remember kids: Wear clothes or nature will get you.

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