The Dandelion Menace!

Canada has been invaded! Not by our natural enemy the hated Danes, who are always jealously eying our Canadian North Pole. But by Red China! Infact millions upon millions of little paratroopers...

Many botanists believe that the dandelion originated in China. It has since set out to conquer the world!

It's thought that dandelions seeds were stowaways on the Mayflower, coming to North America with the first settlers. Another theory is that they were brought over as a source of food, herbs, and wine. That's right: The weed that you hate could, conceivably, get you drunk.

However the consumption of alcohol is now linked to an increased risk of cancer. Everyone already knows that smoking is a big trigger. And now, making matters worse, the World Health Organization has released a study linking cell phone use to brain tumours!

Things weren't always like this! Back in the 1950's people were healthy and the economy was booming. Any unemployed person could just get a suitcase and fill it up with smokes and booze and go door to door as a hard liquor and cigarette salesman. And then, if you came home and found that your lawn was infested with dandelions, there was a simple solution: Gas was so cheap they were almost giving it away. You'd take your 10-cylinder Studebaker Bearcat to the filling station and ask for a couple extra jerry cans of the stuff. Then you'd pour the gas on your lawn while having a smoke and, with the flick of the match, KABOOM! Dandelion problem solved.

But then, just as gas started to become expensive and cigarettes bad for you, they came out with herbicides. To get rid of dandelions you'd spray something developed in a chemical warfare lab over the yellow pests. Now a days you can't get any of these toxins because they ALSO cause cancer!

And now we're supposed to believe that radiation from our cell phones are giving us cancer?

But wait! Isn't it possible that the herbicides would act to kill off the cancer caused by our excessive drinking and smoking? And then our radioactive phones would irradiate the diminishing tumours so that they can't grow back?

But I digress. To get rid of dandelions, the simplest method would be to make wine out of them. If you have no intention of spending the summer drunk, mow your lawn often. Before the flower turns into those blowing seeds, behead it! Also spray your weeds with a solution that's 80% water and 20% vinegar. That'll take care of them.
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